As you've browsed around this website, you've undoubtedly noticed that it's obviously a site dedicated to documenting real ale and doesn't belong to any particular brewery, pub or café. If you've used the contact form to send me an email, I'm sure you noticed that it says This form will send an email to Beer Mad. You'll have spotted that it also says that all the information I have about beers and breweries is on the site and that I don't know who sells what beer in various towns.

Sadly, what's obvious to intelligent people isn't always obvious to some people. Most stupid emails just get deleted, but there are always some that are just so stupid that it would be a shame to keep them to myself.

So, for your entertainment, I present:

Beer Mad's Email Hall of Shame

(All emails are presented exactly as they arrived, with spelling and grammar left as the writer (often) wrecked them. The only changes are that blank lines (which these people seem to love) have been removed and names, addresses, etc. have been blanked out.)

We visited the Barley Mow pub in Banbury, because it had a sign saying Disabled friendly, the wife and I are both in wheelchairs.When we arrived I ordered an orange for the wife and a pint of lager for myself, the waitress moved my pint to put my dinner on the table and when she picked up my pint, ended up spilling over half into my lap. On speaking to the manager/landlord he insisted that she said she never, it was only for the fact that two ladys said they witnessed the incadent that he changed his mind,BUT the only way he could compensate me is with another pint. We visited the same pub today thinking he may just of been having a bad day. The wife and I pulled into the pub and asked for the ramp to be put down.to witch the landlord said there's no empty tables.So we sat there waiting for 40 mins and we noticed that able bodied people that came in after us just happened to get tables.I asked the landlord how would I know when a table becomes vacant(not being able to get up the step) he said "i dont know" then caried on chatting to another customer I personally thing the manager/landlords attitude stinks and somthing should be done about him WILL YOU PLEASE LOOK INTO THIS AS WE WERE MADE TO LOOK STUPID JUST SAT IN OUR WHEELCHAIRS WAITING

This is so depressing. I spend so much time trying to fight against the prejudice of some people that physical disability equates to mental disability, and this idiot tries to convince me that I'm wrong by wasting my time with his stupidity. Fortunately, he's only convinced me that one disabled person's stupid.
Sadly, he's probably made sure the next disabled person to arrive at this pub won't be as welcome as they should be.

message for

, all utilities now paid please forward our sy bond to Caerphilly address. Thanks,

Great! Someone's paying my bills for me now.

We are a background checking company. one of our clients is a large insurance company. I am researching a job application made by

dob,

. She used to work at The Running Mare, Stock Road, Chelmsford. The manager there is not allowed to confirm this to me and tells me that central HR have to do so. Could you please confirm that she was employed from

I remember her. She was a crap worker. But she was fantastic in bed.

(Actually, I did email these clowns back pointing out that I had no idea what they were talking about; I didn't want the poor woman to miss a job because of their incompetence.)

Hi there,
I work for a National Magazine called the student guide. I was wondering if you would be able to put me in touch with someone in marketing and pr. If possible an email address that i could send some info on the publication.
Thanks for your time.

Students, eh? The intellectual cream of our society. No wonder we're in such a mess.

i was wondering if it is possible to go to a brewery that makes fosters and purchase a keg from them.

Probably. Try asking Foster's.

I would like to speak to someone regarding what i consider to be a very serious complaint against one of your managers if you could please send me a telephone number to whom i could issue this complaint i would be very greatful thankyou

I sacked all my managers years ago.

On a personal level, I would like to buy a Dark Starr bar cloth (I have a bar mat already). I also front a 60/70's covers band called

- please visit

or give me a ring on

. Thanks

And I bet the band's crap too. Funny thing is, he couldn't even type the URL of his website right.

We live in Billericay Essex and want to know the nearest regular outlet for S.O.D. Thankyou

Oh dear! Even with my extensive knowledge of Billericay (that's to say, I've never been there) I just haven't a clue where you could get it.

Subject: Founder Family
Is there anyone from the original family who would contact me regarding a person who served in the 2nd world war. This is genuine.

I haven't a clue what you're talking about. This is genuine.

HI THERE!!!
FOR YOUR NEXT PROMOTIONAL EVENT
FOR YOUR NEXT CORPORATE FUNCTION
FOR YOUR NEXT PARTY
FOR AUTHENTICITY TO ANY OCCASION
WHY NOT BOOK A PROFESSIONAL LOOKALIKE
OR TRIBUTE BAND OR ARTISTE FROM:-
"

"
LOOKALIKE AND TRIBUTE AGENCY
www.

.co.uk
CHECK OUT THE WEBSITE! - LOWER PRICES THAN RIVAL AGENCIES!!
PHONE OR EMAIL FOR A FREE NO OBLIGATIONAL QUOTE AND ADVICE:

YIPPEE!
I can listen to a third-rate no-hoper pretending to be someone else. Presumably while I sup American crap pretending to be Budweiser?
And they replied...

re lookalikes - no hopers or not they get £400-£750 per appearance - do you you get that you cocky T***t dont reply back as your email will be blocked and sent to spam.

Tee hee... Don't you just love it when spammers get petulant?

I live in Gosport Hants, could you tell me the nearest outlet I can buy Banks Originals Smooth(Mild)440ml cans thanks

Now why did I bother putting "[...]Neither do I have the amazing power, which some people seem to imagine, of divining what pub in a particular town I've never even visited or heard of sells any particular beer, so please don't waste my time asking" on the same page as the contact form?

approximately 2 weeks ago at a craft fair in LLandudno I purchased 3 bottled beers from you. Last night I tried them. The Farmer's favourite was flat - 0% carbonation! (best before June 2005). The Old Creamery Mild was thin, watery and metallic. The third one the Nantwich Ale was similar to the mild. All were quite unpalatable. I have been brewing for 15 years myself so I do have a litle experience. I paid a lot of money and was quite annoyed.

Well what do you expect? I'm not going to sell any of my good beer, am I?

upon visiting the ship inn in porlock, exmoor last week
we noticed the beer called huntingdon 800 cromwell's delight brewed by the cottage brewery company and we wondered why it was so called.whats the story behind the name please ?

I wonder if the phrase "ask the brewery" means anything to you?

Hi, I have just seen on a website that you have, in the past, taken over the brewing of Hancock's HB. I am not a relative but a person who has recently tried the drink and like it. Could you please tell me if there is anywhere in Nottingham, England, that sells it or anywhere near to Notts who does. Thank you for your time.

I really must find which page on the site claims I'm brewing.

I am an ex Landlord in Castleford, West Yorkshire and I am well known in the area, I understand that the Yorkshire Rose is coming vacant in the near future and I am very interested in the Licence, have you any details on the financial side to obtain the tennancy.

You can have it for a fiver.

My name is

and I am a researcher for ITV - I am currently working on a screen test for a new show and am looking for your help.
The show itself is a late night talk show for women of all ages to discuss any issues of the day. Topics can range across anything from the latest celebrity gossip to what is hot or not in the world of health and beauty. The show will be hosted by a range of very well known faces. The show will weekly feature the brightest stars from the worlds of writing, broadcasting, journalism and entertainment.
Our ladies will come armed with opinion and prepared to talk. What we need from you is something for them to talk about. We want anything that would promote or provoke lively discussion amongst our group. Anything at all that would be of interest to ladies of any age. I am particularly interested in your 'flavoured beers ' -the kind of beer that perhaps appeals more to ladies!
Filming for our first show will be for a non TX pilot, that is to say it will not be aired. However this is a show that is highly likely to be commissioned, requested as it has been from us by the Commissioning Editor himself. Should we feature any of your products on a future broadcast show you should normally expect to receive some form of thanks. In some scenarios it will be possible to thank you or list the origin of the product during the show. This is normally done with a written graphic. Your product would normally have to be shown along with two other from other manufacturers / suppliers in this instance.

Hmmm... So this is the quality of research at Anglia TV. I can see I'm missing a lot by never watching it.

who brewed watney red barrel

Hmmm... Well it could have been the Barrel Brewery, the Red Brewery or... Oh yes, the Watney Brewery!

Subject: Complaint
Could you please tell me if the Chaddlewood Inn, Glen Road, Plympton, Plymouth is one of your pubs?
It has just been re-opened since a refit to a "sizzler" pub.
If so could you please tell me who and where I need to write to.

Oh drat! I sold it to Greene King last year.

I have recently started collecting bottle caps and labels, and would like to expand my collection. I would really appreciate it if you could mail me some of your items to add to my collection. If this is possible, please advise me by return e-mail and I will send you my mailing address. If there would be charge to mail these to me in London, Ontario, Canada, please let me know and I will be happy to send you the required funds.

I knew I should have kept the tops from all those bottles of Belgian beer.

Lived in Ipswich for a while in the 80's. Tolly Original Bitter is still the best ale I have every tasted. I miss it terribly, and would love to get my hands on some here in the states.

Talk about lacking taste! Not only thinks Tolly Original was good but lives in the US. There's no hope for some people.

I much enjoyed Fudger Ale, which I see you no longer brew, unfortunately. Please could you tell me the ABV it once was ? Thank you.

Bugger! I brewed a beer and I don't even remember doing it. I really must stop drinking so much.

i need full information about the liquor industry and who are the compititors in united breweries present market share

Certainly. That's about a month's work to put together and my consultancy rate is 40 Euros per hour, so if you send me a cheque for 6400 Euros, I'll start work as soon as it's cleared.

I'm currently writing a paper on the uk beer brewing industry as part of my dissertation, in particular how smaller national brewers are remaining competitive with the larger nation companies i.e carlsberg etc with regards to yourself it would be be very helpful if you could circulate this request around any useful contacts you may have.
could you provide me with any information on you business stratergies or how you are remaining competitive within your market, offcourse if you decide to provide me with any information it will be kept confidential and only myself and the designated marker of the assignment will view the information.

Well I don't have a stratergy, but my strategy is to drink as much good beer as possible.

Dear Sir / Madame I was able to obtain TRENT MILD in my Loal supermarket But they are not selling this now also I used to get it from MAKRO but these unfortunatly also stopped selling this can you tell me the address of the makers of TRENT MILD so I may contact them

No. Next question?

hi i am at school in year 11 studing brewery so i was wondering if you could send me some infomation on brewerys

I think you ought to spend some time on studying English first, kid.

Trying to email Sanjive Satsangi a price list which he requested 21st Feb am. Have tried several times. Address given not recognised.

I'd guess that's because you're too stupid to get an email address right.

To whom this may concern
I am a student from Lincoln and wish to study chain supply management regarding your company with my group (altogether 3 students).
If you would allow us, please can you give us some of your valuable time to ask some questions to help us in our project.
I would be grateful if you could have time for us on Wednesday next week.
My contact number is

I don't know who it concerns, but it certainly isn't me.

Subject: area manager ian
please could you get ian to give me a call regarding

at the blue bell moston my number is

No, I just can't be bothered.

hi im trying to contact ind coope brewery can u help

Step 1. Learn to spell the name of the brewery right
Step 2. Look up their details
Step 3. Contact them

I'm looking for info on buying Holen Brewing coasters, beer and anything else. Could you direct me

No.

And the winner of the "most desperate bugger yet" award is:

I know this is a long shot but what the hell! The BBC wrote about us for the first time ever so there is a chance you might like our site too, I know lots of other beer lovers do!
Plus we are built on linux love MySQL and care about our users more than most sites I hope that must get us 2 extra points.
I have a bet on and if I can get a link from one beer site this week I might win a tangerine this won't mean much to you but it does to me the tangerine is like an institution in our company past winners have included me and many other staff in the company. So I want to plead with you not to drop your rules about links but to like my site www.

.co.uk and perhaps link to us from somewhere if you do really like it.

i would like to send me a phone number r a mail of your representative in greece

Be my guest, I'm sure you don't need my permission.

Subject: The Bear, Twickenham, Mddx
I love the way it has been designed and I would very much like to know the name of the designer and the company that he works for

I really must add omniscience to the skills list on my CV.

respected sir,
Iam sakthi from tamil nadu part in india .iam unemploye i will apply in labour visa in london for apply in sammer pasha in mumbai please detalis in your company visa

Well it's nice to be respected, even though I haven't a clue why you're contacting me about this.

We live in Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire and can not find shop, off licence or pub supplying Hop & Glory - could you please help us in our search of this wonderful beer first tasted a few years ago, or confirm to us we have no hope of every finding it?!! Whichever your reply confirms, thank you - you will be putting us out of our misery !!

Tip: look up beer, note name of brewery, ask brewery.
But I can't put you out of your misery of living in Milton Keynes.

Subject: Boddingtons I am a great fan of tins of the above in its non-widget form. this seems to have disappeared from the shops.

Well there's no accounting for taste.

Do you know if this is to do with the closure of the brewery this month, and ,if so, are hydes going to market it when they start to brew "boddingtons" cask

I wonder who's more likely to know, me or the brewer?

i beleave there is a ale call weapon of mass distruction,can you tell me were this ale is sold.

You really shouldn't beleave (or even believe) what Tony Blair tells you.

To whom receives this message
Please could i ask that it be forwarded to the relevent department area who deal with the recrutment and training of interested parties relating to the running of your establishments.
Regards

Which of my establishments were you interested in? I may have a few openings in one of my brothels, but I'm afraid the condom-testing jobs are all taken.

Hi Andy
I have been looking for sites to run text links from and came across your
beer mad site, which i thought was pretty cool. I was wondering if
if this is even something you do and if so how much you would charge for a
small link from your Pub websites page to our site www.

.co.uk.
The site it would be for is www.

.com which is a UK directory
listing 2 million businesses in accross the Uk, and i thought that if it
was on your England page saying something like 'for other pubs in your area' it would be relevant, Let me know what you think.

Now why did I bother putting the comment [...]It takes no commercial sponsorship and never will on the front page?
I'll have to ask Andy if I ever find out who he is.

My understanding is that you are the new owners of the Leather Bottle in Warlingham.
This of course could be very good news, especially if you are going to provide good home cooked pub food.
My main concern is the 'easement' or access rights that have been a matter of disagreement for some year or two.
One hopes that you have come to some form of agreement with our ridiculous Parish Council over this issue.
We (the locals) are not aware of the present state as meetings are held in camera. There are a few of who would like to get rid of the council altogether as they are a total waste of money and as much commercial aptitude as a duck egg.

Yer understanding's wrong, mate.

can anyone help me find a copy of the advertising poster for lancelot beer, showing the knights from the round table. I saw it in a small bar in britagne last summer, and up till know i have drawn a complete blank.

I know I'm good, but...

I am a secretary at a small sports and social club. Can you tell me please whether at your pubs you pay double time on New Years Eve to get staff to work it or on New Yeards Day as marked on all calandars?

Personally, I pay my staff triple time, because they're worth it.

if you need anything when setting up please email me have lots of s/hand stuff from small pumps to large tanks

Do they know something I don't?

Whilst unloading a container we came accross 7 of your 9 gallon cask containers. Would someone there contact me to arrange collection of the containers?

Oh dear...

I have experience in pub management and am enquiring about any job opportunities you might have at the moment.
I currently live in harrogate, north yorkshire but am willing to work anywhere in north yorkshire or somewhere relatively near.
I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Maybe there's a business opportunity here for me.

Hiya iv av beeen in the red lion on a few occasions n liked it but i am trying to find out which group own the red lion i cant find it
i am looking to lease a pub/restrant and would like to know if the red lion is up 4 lease as i have heard on the grape line it is please get back to me

I seem to be turning into an employment exchange for people who can't spell.

to whom it may concern,
Me and my Husband are looking into running a public house as tenants and we was wondering if you offer any training in this area, if you do please can you e-mail me at (details removed)

@aol.com or post it to our address which is

street, mansfield, notts,

. I would be most grateful to you if you could help me with this enquiery I will look forward in hearing you reply.

I never got the hang of replying to an "enquiery"

I recently recieved a number plate as a gift from my boyfriend but I dont think it's very lady like so I'm selling it on! I wondered if you would be interested. The plate reads Pints: P17VTS.

I dread to think what she's been on.

Would it be possible to reserve a table for four, for tonight in the no smoking area (resterant)

Certainly. Please bring a printout of this reply with you to take advantage of our special book over the web offer of 75% off the price of your meal. Though I'm not actually sure what a "resterant" is.

hi pal
i have an old drinking bull potterie peice wich is sealed and still as its contents in,
i collect wade peices mainli.
but i have aquired this peice and i cannot find ani informatio on it,
The label on it reads {rutherfords scotch glasgow scotland] wich u sai is no longer there>
im just wonderin if i have a rare peice of potterie can u shed ani light on this or give me a contact that can?
Thanks

I had to double-check that this wasn't someone whose first language was likely to be something other than English. Well he's coming from a UK ISP, anyway.

Was wondering if you could direct me to where I might be able to get some of the breweries labels ...either currently in production or not!

Can I be arsed suggesting she tries the breweries? No, don't think I'll bother.

Hi!
I'm the one responsible for designing the "Flagship Brewery's" pump clip labels. Just wondered when you might need some more designs for your new beers...
Need my creative help...just give me a shout!

Well, if it's free...

Hello sales, this is the procurement manager of terry store in person of

i will like to make an order enquiry on some goods in your store which i
will liked to be shipped to our retail store in nigeria and our method of payment will be trhrough credict card, i will need a go
ahead from you so as to place my order.
Await your urgent response.

Strangest 419 attempt I ever saw.

I have seen a large glass flask holding aprox 3 or 4 gallons of maybe beer it has tolly trade mark with a sort of dragon crest it is sealed with a plastic or cork seal and stands about 3feet high. Can you tell me something of its origin

I believe glass is usually made by heating silicon sand. Hard to say where the sand may have originated, but I know a lot of it is collected from the beach at Southport. Hope this helps.

hello
i am a student of a school and i am doing a project.
for my project i need some information
how to grow yeast?
what do the company use yeast for?
can u send me this informaion as soon as possible

Someone's never heard of Google... Or spelling... Or grammar...

i am looking for a retailer who sells greene king triumph ale in cans preferable in the peterborough or the cambridge area

Just get some empty cans, take them into the toilet and pee into them. It'll taste the same and will save you loads of cash.

I am planing to start a brewpub in a latinamerican country and look for a complete set of equipment for sale capacity: 100 000 to 150 000 liters /year

How nice for you, mate.

Hi I am

, General Secretary of the Cameroon Community Welfare Development Association(CACOWEDA) UK, a charity Organisation and we have events coming up. I wish to get in touch with Mr.

who is in charge of Africa.I got his contact from Mr.

, HR Director for Cameroon Guinness. I will be most delighted if he can reply my mail or contact me on 07951

For a moment I thought this was going to be a 419 scam.
I love the idea of

being 'in charge of Africa.'

I am trying to find out which SALISBURY beer used promotional animals such as the
KEGOPOTAMUS, KEGLICAN and KEGAROO .. in crossword terms (5,3)
would much appreciate your help....have researched on the web to no avail.
Thankyou

Blimey! I'm a crossword-solving service now?

i have an unopened bottle of will truman beer made for the mayflower second ship, its very dark bottle with a green label. it's in very good condition.would you have any idea of the worth if any? thank you
781-596-2929

What's the betting she's a yank? Not even got the brains to supply an international dialling code to someone in a different country. But of course America is the whole world, I was forgetting.

On holiday in yorkshire noticed beer mats bearing webster's bitter logo. I have never seen this for sale in scotland is there any ahere i can buy bottles via internet. The scottish courage website your website directed me to returned no matches for this product.

So I'm supposed to know more than the brewer?

Subject: Watneys red barrel
Is this beer still being produced? If so is it distributed it the States?

I bloody hope not, but I suppose it was shite enough for 'merkin tastes.

I can find that brewed both beers (but without the Huntsman) is Thomas Hardy. Your site has been invaluable in catalouging my collection and I would appreciate any help you can give me.

I don't know what language this is supposed to be, but English it ain't.

I had a pint (Nay three) of your Belfast Ale in the King's Head in Belfast today. It was really excellent, a nice round flavour and very hoppy.
Have you tried persuading Pedro of The John Hewitt in Donegall St Belfast to take this wonderfull beer in his wonderfull pub.
Should you manage to do this, my cup of joy would overflow.

Odd. I don't HAVE a Belfast Ale. Has this idiot missed all the clues that Beermad ISN'T run by a brewery?

How do you book a visit round the Cain's brewery?

I would suggest 'ring the brewery'. But I couldn't be bothered.

How do I go about becoming a landlord on a tenancy or leashold arrangement.
Been working in retail for over 14 years in a senior management capacity and want out before I get too bloody old to enjoy myself. Tons of experience in running a profitable business just sick of feathering somebody elses nest and want a crack at running things my way.
Any polite advise appreciated

Well I might have offered you a job, but I have an aversion to employing illiterates.

how can i apply to become a pub manager

1. Find vacancy.
2. Apply in writing to the advertiser.
3. Er... That's it.


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